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Re: Donít want to let goÖ

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Re: Donít want to let goÖ
04/28/04 at 20:07:22
i guess there is more to this story, but well I'm glad it was mutually decided, but cant two people be mutually stupid?
I think its wonderful what you did in the community, I'm that kind of woman too, I talk to whoever will put up with it, and to be honest, my conversations with women tend to be very short and shallow, but i keep trying.
ugg, I guess its none of my business, but if you love the family so much, and their son wasnt an ogre, whats the deal here? I think a man who can put up with me and a family that loves me is an A deal, I mean it would be A+ if the man loved me too, but A is good isnt it?
I wonder when of if it is ever the will of Allah that I marry what kind of realtionship I will have with my inlaws, I worry most about if his mother will accept me, or if i can be freinds with his sisters. And then you have children too.
dont take this wrong, or yell at me, but I think those traditional women werent all stupid, I mean they knew one or two things atleast, and one of them was the importance of continuing to hang around.
Re: Donít want to let goÖ
04/29/04 at 13:46:20

SisterÖin my opinion like yours, A is good.  I see it as, if Iíve never known a man to love me and my husband does not love me then Iím really not missing anything.  However, donít get me wrong here, I do believe that if you want your relationship to work, there has to be some kind of love between the couple even if it does take years to build. And all the women in my community, old and newly wed agrees with me.  The longest Iíve known for love to build was 7 years.  But again, you canít miss something youíve never had.  

In my case, there is more to the story when talking about the trials, and no one needs to know the details.  Itís already done.  The Imam had told the both of us and the witnesses that when people ask about usÖwe just tell them that itís done with and they need not worry about the details (since it is none of their business and we hide our faults with the help of Allah (SWT)).  

But to let you know, there is ďmore than meets the eyeĒ because of the hadith where you are your husbandís garment and he yours.  This is why itís hard for people to understand why we did it.  Everyone else is so open with their relationship problems and because I say nothing about mine, they assume itís all good.  The only people that truly know and have also kept quiet about it are our parents and the Imam.  No worries, we did try for 3 years straight with everything and anything possible even to the last minute.  Good has come out of this because now the married couples, old and new, take care of each other more in fear of the same thing happening to them.  If ďperfectĒ couples can split then the perfection was only exterior.  But my problem does not lie there.

My problem now is that I have a good relationship with my in-laws and I want to keep it that way.  However, I feel that they donít want to do the same butÖthey doÖkind of deal.  Itís just never been done before except with the children because thatís how our culture is and thatís all they know.  Itís taken me 10 years to build this relationship and I donít want it to end ever but I donít want to put them through this awkwardness even though it has been a while (which I thought was enough time.)  Thereís no need for broken ties, but they donít know how to deal with this.  One parent has to always be the bad guy and exiled from the community, but thatís not in our case so everyoneís (community) confused and I guess they (in laws) just donít know how to deal with it.  I donít know how long they (in laws) can keep our relationship problems a secret when everyone (community) is dying at their feet to get the answer.

I donít know how to talk to them (community) to make them understand.  I mean what is there that I can do besides give this more time to die out completely.  But now Iím feeling that this is getting old, really old.

Re: Donít want to let goÖ
04/29/04 at 16:25:31
as salaamu alaykum,

sis trustworthy, I think your adab in this whole situation is really commendable.. I think most people, including myself, would not show so much fortitude and withhold complaining/speaking ill of the other as you have done.  It shows that you have a lot of strength, masha'Allah :)  

May Allah make things easy for you and grant you mad sabr.
Re: Donít want to let goÖ
04/29/04 at 17:44:37

sis trustworthy, i typed up a reply last night, but something went wrong with the internet connect and it was erased.  

i really admire your fortitude and integrity throughout the whole situation.  masha'Allah.  may Allah reward you plentifully.

as for the in-laws, i suggest that the children be the bridge for the continuation of the relationship.  insha'Allah, with continued effort, they will realize how much you value your relationship with them.  mother's day is approaching, it might be nice to give your mother in law a gift.  if you don't like to give gifts on mother's day (some people consider it bidaa), you can just give it to her (by mail) at any other time, as a token of appreciation.  

i hope that this helped.

take care

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