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marraige crisis

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marraige crisis
sam
06/25/02 at 16:56:41
:(
salaam to all!

i really need help with my marraige..i feel as if our marraige is in a crisis after only 1 year 7 months. we both knew each other for two years before marraige alhtough we knew the day we met that we will marry each other. it was love then and still is except now when living together we are beginning to see the other side of the our personalities.

i seem to do everything wrong according to my husband. i agree with him most times but it's that way he says it which is so degrading that i get upset about and i end up defending myself which then gets him angry.
i am really emotional and i maybe even insecure too which is why he gets really angry at me. but i beleiave that he is the one who has created this insecurity. he is mashallah very good lookignand women do look at him. i cover my self and thus do not get the same reaction from men as he does from women, and these woemn are looking sexy in theor next-to nothing clothes and nice hair and make-up. he doesn't even look at me that much when we talk outside he's looking here or there but does not directly look into my eyes and talk. this makes me feel that he may like to be with the other kaafir women.

there ois a women at his work place who is an uncovered muslim, they are on freindly terms with each other. i have never likd the sound of her especially as my husband said that poeple wouild class her as attractive.
she has invited my and my 4-month son to a party at her house...she apparently wants to get to know me. why? i think.

today i learned that my husband rode the bus back with her, was talking to her the whole way whilst sitting next to her on the same seat!!!!!!
i was extremely angry and i was upset with himbut i didn't shout. i told him to to explain what really went on and to take any doubts i have away, but he got really angry bringing up recent events that made him upset with me and then we argued and he stormed out. i am now askign for help. i need advice on how to tackle this situation.
NS
Re: marraige crisis
mwishka
06/25/02 at 17:34:54
sis sam,

i'm not muslim, but i'd like to offer some words to help you.  i'm sure others will offer you more islamically grounded advice.

the first thing i'd say is take this woman's offer of riendship.  you wondered why she was offering this gesture, and you also said your husband is good-looking and seems to tend to "look" where he shouldn't be looking.  perhaps this woman wants to make a connection with you because she grasps the situation with your husband, perhaps even sensing your need for a female friend, but also maybe to put yur husband at a better distance from her, in a way that tells him you are not invisible to her.  (i'm sure someone else might come along and say it could be a way for her to be closer to him, but it's YOU she's inviting to come to her party.  i think you should go - she might be just the friend you need.  the question of hijab may not be as important in this situation as just having a sister to talk to.)

have you asked your husband why he doesn't make eye contact with you?  though he sounds a little out of control, not in touch with his place in relation to you based on islam, so maybe even this question would cause a bad reaction on his part.

i would advise you to go with your husbad to talk with your imam.  if he won't go with you, go by yourself.  what he's doing is wrong as a person, but, more importantly, is wrong in islam.

for him to EVER under any circumstance whatsoever speak to you in a way that could even be thought of as degrading is wrong in every way possible.  it goes against the most basic concepts of human dignity, upon which the entire religion of islam is based.  he must know this already, but if he doesn't he must be told.  do you know his father or his brothers, if he has any?  are they like him?  if they aren't could you talk to them.  he must be told by someone he will listen to that he is not fulfilling his duty to you which god has given him.  andeven the fact that i'm suggesting he need to be told this by a male he repsects means he doesn't know what it means to be a husband in islam, because he should be even more willing to listen to you, his wife, than to any other person.  and he should be willing to HEED what you tell him, not just to pretend to listen and then shrug it off.

i hope that you can find someone to listen to you and to help you, and i hope that your husband is not so far lost that he can come back to his senses and understand what his relationship with you is truly all about.

i wish you the best, and i hope you find ease with him soon.

mwishka

Re: marraige crisis
sam
06/25/02 at 17:59:41
thanyou mwishka

the thing is i am also in the wrong for not doing things when he tells me to.
he is a perfectionist and i never used to be that way but i am learning. he is a very tidy person and he gets's u[set if soemthing is lfet or misplaced for too long. he compares our hpouse to others and unfortunatley my house before marraige was never so tidy so i ws not used to it, but after 1 year 7 months of marraige i have changed and am pretty tidy..he of course takes all the credit for chaging me into a better more tidier person.

oh i don't know....i used to love him sooo mqch but ever since he started to criticies nearly everything i do i have lost myself. i think i am silently going crazy..seriously...i've nevr been this unhappy.
Re: marraige crisis
Fatimah
06/25/02 at 23:03:48
salam alaikum wrwb sis,
I sent you an instant message, you can email me if you'd like. I'll keep you in my dua. Keep yourself busy with Quran, thikr, and reading islamic books. It always helps me when I go through these types of problems.
Take care inshaAllah. May Allah ease this for you.
salam alaikum,
Fatimah
Re: marraige crisis
Somaira
06/27/02 at 02:58:12
Assalamualaikum,

I haven't seen an update on this post..but I do hope that things are better ia. You are, of course in my duas. Remember to be patient, have "sabr".

keep smiling,

take care,

[wlm]

:-)
Re: marraige crisis
sam
06/27/02 at 04:32:35
[wlm] everone!!!!!

my husband will still not talk about the women he works with and i am afraid to ask incase it leads to another argument...i am hoping that maybe he will tell me in his owqn time...but then again maybe he won't.

yesterday he went out on a business dinner and when he came back we talked normally for a while then he brought up the subject of our recent arguments and that i should listen to what he is saying because most of the times he is right and i should not listen to his tone like a child and just listen to what he is saying as he is saying it for my benefit?

i do agree with most things and i always do whatever he asks me to do but i do get annoyed with his demeaning tone. it makes me feel dominated , and stupid.

he says that i react like a child would react when they are being told off for their own good.

well i don't want him to trwat me like a child an then maybe i won'y act that way...but how can i hide my feelings if he ois hurting me?

when i cry he thinks i am playing an emotional game with him!

what to do?
Re: marraige crisis
Fatimah
06/27/02 at 04:51:58
salam alaikum sis,
I just sent you another message, we can talk on instant messenger if you have it. I hope this situation gets better for you, I know its hard.
salam
06/27/02 at 04:53:22
Fatimah
Re: marraige crisis
sam
06/28/02 at 04:21:13
[slm]

well i brought up the issue about the women and it lead to a massive argument.

ast first he was just not saying anything and then he came out with crap such as he didn't think much of it... he didn;t see anything wrong whereas u know for a fact that if i ah done that then he would have been really really angry.
he then said that if this happened moths back then he would ahhve apoligised and he would have felt bad about it..but he says that he actually doesn't care if this is hurting me because he says i have put him thrugh crap this whole week. he now beleives that everything he has done is my fault . he is angry and annoyed and that he does'nt  care for me, does not love me and all this is my fault, that is hould kust accept what he is saying becuase he is always right that i do not get upset when he tells me to do things..that whenn he does tell me to do things then i should not tske it personally and just do it. if i keep him happy then he will make me happy too.

:'(
Re: marraige crisis
saleha_asyed
06/29/02 at 20:44:55
Assalamalekum sister,
Pray to allah to make your married life easy for you and bless it with love (ameen).  My suggestion would be to take him to a nice restaurant, and simply explain to him, that if he belives in allah swt and wants to gain his pleasure in this life and hereafter than stop treating you like this, because he is commiting haram every day by torturing you like this. Remind him of all the hadeethsis that talks about how to treat a women in islam. Give him the examples of how prophet (pbuh) and sahabas used to act with their  wives in various occasions and  in crisis. If he has even a little bit of fear of allah and about his akhirah, then he will think twice before doing any unjustice to you, Inshallah. I was in the same situation eight months ago, and did the same thing. Reminded my husband of allah's punishment and akhirah, alhumduallah it worked, and now i'm much happy.
See if it works for you.
Re: marraige crisis
sam
07/01/02 at 16:05:18
[wlm]

well first of all i cannot take him to a restaurant as he is the one who has all the money and gives me enough for groceries and emergency supplies.
so i cannot take him out unless he is willing to pay for a meal in a restaurant.
secondly...we have a four motnh old son who sleeps at 8.00pm.
thirdly...his mum lives with us and she may feel left out if we go without her.

also he belives that he is not doing anything wrong and that i am the one who is beacuse i take evrything so personally and react like a child to things he says or does. i tell him that we are different and that i do not think or react like you for that reason, that allah has made evyonr different.

i want to tell him that Allah swt has said something like:
it could be that you dislike soemthing that allah has put much good in

does anyone recognise this?
Re: marraige crisis
sunset
07/01/02 at 20:53:55
[slm] sister sam

from Al-Baqarah (2:216)

"But it maybe that you dislike something that is good for you and like that which is bad. Allah Subhanahu Wat'ala knows and you do not"

wasalam
:-)
Re: marraige crisis
Somaira
07/02/02 at 00:57:17
Assalamualaikum,

*sigh*, I hope inshaAllah that things are going better for you by now..although I'm not married, and have not been through any of what you are going through, I thought I'd respond a bit.

so here are my two cents...

Remember, this life is a test for us. Everyday we are presented with tests, whether it is waking up for fajr vs. sleeping in, or something more serious.  Then, if you consider all of what you are going through as merely a test from Allah swt, then you must also realize that you would not be tested with something that you cannot handle. That said, I suppose prayer, dua, reading the Quran, strengthening your own iman, your bonds with your child, and mother-in-law might help the situation as others have said.  Have faith in Allah swt.

Be patient, in urdu there is a saying, "sabr ka phal meeta hotha hai". In other words, if you are patient, then the reward is sweeter than that had you not been patient. Have patience with your husband. At times we get emotional, say things we don't mean to say, perhaps even go as far as making accusations.  Perhaps the situation is not as terrible as it seems. Take a step back, re-evaluate the situation. Then, speak to your husband. Stay calm. Be objective. Discuss. Communicate! Often times, misunderstandings occur because channels of communication are not open.

You don't have to go out to a restaurant to discuss/communicate. Perhaps you could ask your mother-in-law to take care of your child for a day. Take time out for yourself. Take care of yourself, think about what it is that is bothering you. Then, when your husband comes home, tell him how you feel. I remember when I was younger, and would complain to my parents about my sister or brother, they would ask me how I felt, what happened, and what solutions I thought would work to solve the problem at hand, however there was one rule. We would not be allowed to say "You did this, or You did that.". Instead we would have to say .."I felt so and so when this happened.." Let your husband know how you feel.

*sigh* hmm, I dont know if I've helped at all, however you are in our duas. inshaAllah things will get better.

Take care,
ws
Somaira
:-)
Re: marraige crisis
sam
07/02/02 at 08:20:24
[slm]

my husband is on training for a week..this gives me time to myself to evaluate the situation and try to come up with the best way to deal with this problem personally....

i will not bring up the subject again as i am tired of arguing...inshaallah i will try to be patient and be steadfast in my prayer du'aa etc and hope that he will not do soemthing like this again....maybe if be extra nice he may then not want to do anything that may hurt me so as to keep peace in the house. i have promised myself that i will not show any emotion when he orders me and with a smile i'll just do as he says...inshaallah by seeing me change it may lead to him changing too...inshaallah..

many many times i've  had bad dreams about him cheating on me (since marraige) ...should i worry?or is it the shaitaan getting the better of me. how can i stop these?
Re: marraige crisis
M.F.
07/02/02 at 14:18:04
assalamu alaikum,
like you said, this is a good time to evaluation your situation.  Now's your chance to ask yourself what exactly it is that's keepign you with him.  Are you dependent on him emotionally?  Do you feel like you can't live without him?  Do you miss him now that he's gone?  Do you love him or do you just feel that you want to please him?  Do you love him as a person or have you just gotten to apoint wher eyou can't live without him.  Is being with him worth the emotional hardship he puts you through?  How's he with the baby?  Is it going to be better for the baby to be in that situation or to have a more stable situation emotionally?  What makes you put up with the humiliation and pain?  Does this man really fear Allah, how does this show in his behavior?
I hope insha Allah you'll be able to answer the questions for yourself.  May Allah ease your situation.  Ameen
Re: marraige crisis
M.F.
07/02/02 at 14:20:09
P.S.
your husband's not on training in Barcelona by any chance is he?  That's where my husband is, also for a week.  That would be a coincidence hey? :)
Re: marraige crisis
sam
07/02/02 at 17:46:07
[wlm]
well i am missing him now that he's away...when he's nice he is wonderful but when we have arguments over small things then i begin to hate him and really wonder why i married him.
i suppose i am emotionally attached to him too. i do love him and i want to please him beacuse of that but i get hurt when he just throws it back in my face saying that "this hasn't been done, that is not right, you are doing this wrong, don't spend too much time doing that,,concentrate on this"
so then i wonder whether staying married o him is worth this...he is great with our baby son except he will not do the jobs that mothers do for their kids ie. change the nappy, feed him his bottle, give him a bath, feed him dinner...etc
i think that it would be unfair for our son if we seperated so i guess i will just try to make things work....also many pakistani's would not like to marry a divorced woman..it;s as if she is cursed with bad luck...or that she is of a bad character which may have been the reason the HUSBAND has divorced her. if she has divorced then suddenly she is acused of having a bad character.
Re: marraige crisis
sam
07/02/02 at 17:47:50
ps my husband has gone to london   :)
Re: marraige crisis
wsps
07/03/02 at 07:22:12
Bismillahirrahmaanirraheem!

Assalaamuaalaikum wa rahmathullahi wa barakaathuhu!

"And when harm touches you upon the sea, those that you call upon besides Him vanish from you except Him (All‚h Alone). But when He brings you safely to land, you turn away (from Him). And man is ever ungrateful"


A person whose relationship with Allah is strong , whose beliefs are correct,
Whose Trust is established one by Allah's Grace in Him Alone, who fears Allah much and hopes for His mercy and loves and hates others just for His sake will taste the sweetness of this life and will lead a respectable life
and  the one who would defame such a person would feel that terrible guilt in his heart which he'd never be able to hide with himself......and would be
forced to walk down quitely some day, lowering the gaze, bending his neck,
infront of this pious worshipper of Allah to say without being able to make an eye contact....and confess...
'YES, I have committed a crime, forgive me from the depths of your heart and seek forgiveness from the One who created us, fashioned us and destined for us this life of bliss to stay together in this life.

Help me aswell to become like what you are so that I get your company in the HereAfter aswell Insha Allah with the Help of Allah. I never deserved your company but He gave me without an effort of which I was ungreatful and lived in a  state , transgressing beyond the limits ordained by Allah. I was forgetful of the verse which I heard last during our marriage and you reminded me when you were reading the fajr Salaah while I was peacefully sleeping in my bed and you were reciting .................

'O mankind! Be dutiful to your Lord, Who created you from a single person (Adam), and from him (Adam) He created his wife [Hawwa (Eve)], and from them both He created many men and women and fear All‚h through Whom you demand your mutual (rights), and (do not cut the relations of) the wombs (kinship). Surely, All‚h is Ever an All≠Watcher over you. '

I always complained about your failure to work in the way I wished but you so strongly clinged to the orders of Allah that He(swt) ordered you in Surah Nisa....

'..............Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to All‚h and to their husbands), and guard in the husband's absence what All‚h orders them to guard ..."

I shouted when my clothes were not washed properly, but I forgot to see whether you had enough things to remove the
dirt on my jeans. I got upset with the food that you prepared but I did not realize whether I left you with enough money... there was no salt in the harees that you prepared and I was furious but I failed to think about several other works you had to do....still your patience was as strong as a hill, you did not respond neither did you complain and nor did you make gheebah of your husband in front of anyone. You hid my faults from the known ones and those who are unknown and you did not expose my shorcomings to this world.

Your faith was so strong in Him that it did not bother you how I spoke and what I spoke but you were always at the recieving end and I always feared your reaction which would come out breaking all the shores but you were busy seeking help from Allah through patience and prayer. And I realize slowly that something brought me here and that was an invisible
help that came from Allah undoubtedly and ..............

'... And whosoever fears All‚h and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty).  And He will provide him from (sources) he never could imagine. And whosoever puts his trust in All‚h, then He will suffice him. Verily, All‚h will accomplish his purpose. Indeed All‚h has set a measure for all things. '

Its Allah's Grace that I realized it soon before I 'd lose the most precious thing in this world for the Prophet(saws) said...'The world has its provisions and the best provision  is a righteous woman'.

And all praises are to Allah that I did not die without knowing what you are for that would have been the worst part of it not to realize someone inspite of being so closely tied.........'

And every child of Adam commits mistakes and the best of them is the one who repents....

May Allah make you among As-Sabirun, Al-Muwahidoon and Al-Khaashi'oon.

Wa'assalaamuaalaikum wa rahmathullahi wa barakaathuhu!
Trust and Respect
wael
07/04/02 at 05:24:03
Without addressing the posted issue directly, I would just like to share my feeling that the two most crucial aspects of a marriage are trust and respect. I trust my wife fully - both because she is a trustworthy person, and because I make a conscious choice to be trusting - and at the same time I show her respect as my wife and I would not hang out with another woman. And I believe she is the same way towards me. Any other attitude leads to insecurity, jealousy, blaming, bitterness and just general misery.

By the way, for hundreds of good articles about marriage, weddings and family issues in Islam, I recommend Zawaj.com (http://www.zawaj.com). It's probably the most comprehensive resource on the web.
Re: marraige crisis
sam
07/04/02 at 08:12:00
[slm]

thankyou wsps and wael for your messages.
wsps...your message was enlightning and inshallah i will try not to say anything when my husband is mad at me and remain patient.
also is what i have written in my post classed as gheebat?

wael...i agree with 11o% and i would never hang out with a guy or do anything similar to what my husband did...and he knows that too. so this is the reson why i am now an insecure and jealous wreck!!!!!
yes ok before marraige i was not as religious but alh i have changed for the better and now act according to islam.

jazak allah



Re: marriage crisis
ibnasabil
07/16/02 at 18:17:04
Bismillah' ir Rahman 'ir Rahim.

As-salaam alaykum sister,

If you buy or borrow Sh. Hamza Yusuf's Life of the Prophet Muhammad SAAWS tape set (it's not cheap, and it's worth it), somewhere around tape 19 or 20 you may find him lecturing on the topic of magic. In this discussion, you may find interesting observations about the "unseen" realm, and about how we are extremely vulnerable, and exposed to danger when we are asleep unless we take the necessary measures to protect ourselves.

Every Muslim needs to know about this. Maybe the topic has been addressed somewhere else on this site. Basically, to protect yourself from the accursed Shaitan when you are sleeping, it has been advised to recite certain surahs from the Qur'an three times each. My understanding is that Prophet Muhammad SAAWS would do this. The way that I was taught includes Al Fatiha, Al Kafiroon, Al Ikhlaas, Al Falak, Al Nas, and the Ayat al Kursi. This is followed by a procedure that involves spitting into your palms. Insha Allah one of the sisters might be a better candidate for explaining this to you; definitely better than me. The point is that like most Muslims including myself you have problems that can be solved through applying Islamic knowledge. So, the root problem, apparently, is who to go to in order to find the knowledge that is lacking. May Allah reward you and your husband with a guide to such knowledge, and the means to apply it.

Please excuse me if I have mis-stated anything and don't rely on anything that I have written, because I could be wrong. God the Eternally Besought of All knows best.
07/16/02 at 18:21:18
ibnasabil


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