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Madinat al-Muslimeen Islamic Message Board

06/06/01 at 10:38:11
I guess everyone has different relationships with their in-laws.  There are those who get along wonderfully, and those who are nice to each other, others don't like each other, and others just can't stand the sight of each other.
Any suggestion on dealing with those hard to deal with in-laws?  The ones who expect the world from you, and give nothing in return.  My sister-in-law is a convert, and poor thing she has tried to get along with my in-laws for the longest time, but they always find things wrong with her.
I am Arabic, as well as our husbands (who are brothers), and I guess that we have one up on her.  My in-laws pick on everything she does, I try to help her, but poor girl, when she tries to do things the right way, they pick on her for "tring to act Arabic", or they pick on her for doing something wrong.  She really is a nice and sweet person.  I just wish they would give her a chance.
I only get to see her once or twice a month since we live in 2 differnt states.  She lives in the same state as my in-laws.  So it is not like I can be there for her on a daily basis to try and help her.  I do talk to her on the phone often, and try to comfort her.  But there is only so much you can do over the phone.  I can not really talk to my in-laws for her,because then I am seen as a trader, who is defending her, and basically told to mind my business.  I have 3 sons, and I want them to have a good relationship with their aunt, and any future cousins.  And I hate to have them hear all the negative things their grandparents say about their aunt.
They have been married for a year, she keeps wondering when they will accept her, and I just don't have a answer for her.
Re: in-laws
06/06/01 at 11:15:38
salam shakira,

welcome to the board :)  i just have one comment if you can't accept her then how do you expect your in-laws to? you say you accept her but isn't the real test whether or not you defend her to others? if you never defend her or stick up for her the in laws will always see her as an 'outsider' and will continue their behavior. but if u at least start the trend away from that it would be a good thing even if they then start picking on you for a short while, you're probably more able to defend yourself than she.
Re: in-laws
06/09/01 at 02:34:48
Assalamu alaikum
   The most pressing question here is, what is her husband doing to help her?  
You, like your sister-in-law, are not blood, and there is a limited effect that
you will have on the parents of your husband. If you insist on talking to your
parents-in-law for her, they will not stop mistreating her and they will only
also start mistreating you.  This is not to say that you shouldn't defend her,
but you should be careful about how the parents of your husband perceive
you--especially for the sake of your three children.
   What is her husband doing to ease the tensions between his parents and his
wife?  He is the one who is most able to bring about change.  Until he takes a
stand with his parents, nothing is likely to change.  He can do this in a
respectful manner.  It sounds like his parents are committing 'thulm' and we know
that as Muslims we must not commit 'thulm' and we must not be passive in the face
of 'thulm' because that only helps it to continue.
    I would suggest talking with your husband about this issue, and suggesting
to him that he speak to your brother.  You may want to include how nice your
sister-in-law has been.  When you talk to your husband about his parents, be sure
to say things like "they are loving people, and it would be great if they could
extend their love to her" and "your brother's life and the lives of his future
children will be improved by the improved relationship between our
sister-in-law and your parents."
    I'm not a marriage counselor but I hope that this advice helps you.  As
always, make dua and ask Allah to facilitate this for your sister in law.  And
may Allah reward you for your kindness and concern for her.  Please forgive me if
I have said anything wrong.
Wasalamu alaikum,
your sister in Islam :)
Re: in-laws
06/10/01 at 16:12:35

Well once on there was a poll about what the web page visitors thought about in laws. Someone said

"At least they are not Abu Lahab and his Wife"

hehehe :)

i thought that was hillarious but you know when you think about it, i suppose it is right to say alhamdulilah that they are not this hehehe.

Re: in-laws
06/29/01 at 17:49:37

It is very hard for an intercultural relationship (even though islam should not distingish this point)  Insha'allah it will help once she has children, but it might not.

I am in a intercultural marriage, I am very lucky that my parents and my husband's parents are very openminded and kind alhumdulillah.

Some cultures deal with this better than others.  I would suggest to your sil just to do what she needs to do, and be nice to your mil & fil since she cannot change their mind with trying to act a certain way, since that cannot last forever and she needs just to be herself.  If I can suggest a group that I belong to, it is great for learning cultural differences and dealing with these sorts of issues.

Does she have access to the internet?  if so and you think she might be interested please email me privately and I will get her on the list and I think she will find that it helps so much. (in fact it saved my marriage early on in our relationship...Of course Allah had a hand in that too:)

Re: in-laws
06/29/01 at 20:18:21

Straying away from the post,

Whats the difference between out-laws and in-laws...???

Out laws are wanted,
In laws arn't

Chill out people its a joke. :))
Re: in-laws
06/30/01 at 12:31:09

I really feel for your sil.  You should try to help her without fearing
your in-laws.  Please keep in mind that she is also your sister in
islam and it is you duty to help her; insha'Allah, you will be rewarded for

Another thing I was surprised nobody mentioned: the Prophet (sallalahu
'alaihi wa sallam) allowed us to "lie" when trying to reconciliate
people.  So you would be allowed, for example, to tell your in-laws that
she said very good things about them and that she seems to appreciate
them.  There's no doubt it would make them think about their behavior.

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