A sister who need advice

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A sister who need advice
03/02/01 at 15:00:11

I am asking this question for another sister who needs advice. From what she has told me, she is going through menopause and has a severe back problem. She says that this makes it hurt her when she has sex with her husband. Even when she is hurting badly and tells her husband that, he ignores her and forces her against her will. She wanted to know if there are any circumstances in islam where she can limit how often she submits to her husband. I have been trying to find out for her but have been unable to find out anything. I am a revert to islam (over one year ago) so i dont think i am qualified to advise her in this matter. The only thing i have known since before i converted myself is that husbands and wives are not to refuse one another in order to avoid temptation. She said she has tried medication (i dont know what kind) and it has not helped. Any advice i could offer her would help. Thank you in advance
Re: A sister who need advice
03/02/01 at 15:56:48
well obviously if she has a medical condition, he should be kind to her and relieve her of such um...practices :P...is she open to the idea of him marrying a second wife?

anyhow, he should be considerate of his wife's back problems as it is not to just satisfy himself but also his wife and to use the correct adab etc..so.......back to ur q...i don't have it on me right now...but.....he has to be understanding..and should control himself n have sabr..or..they could have a second wife so she won't have to submit as much? :)

check with that islam counseling website or check the fatwas...i have to go..but if i have time..i could dblecheck for a quoted answer ;)
wa salaams

p.s. he shouldn't force her esp if she has a legit excuse/prob!
03/02/01 at 16:55:47
Bismillah Al-Rahman Al-Raheem

My Dear Sister in Islam, Savannah,

Wa-alaikum assalam wa rahmatullah.

I ask that whosoever reads this thread makes a du’a for this Sister, and for she who is taking the steps to help her.

<She says that this makes it hurt her when she has sex with her husband.>

I am distant like the two poles of the Earth from possessing qualified ‘ilm [knowledge] of this Deen in the context of your enquiry, but from what I have heard from our teachers, and in fact everywhere this issue has ever arisen, is the following. But I caution you that it is not a fatwa, nor a hukm, merely some information you can then verify.

We learnt that each has a right over the other to be satisfied in the conjugal sense, but that this right is not absolute and unqualified. Rather it is governed by conditions and from them are that it is forbidden upon the husband to harm his wife both psychologically or physically during the act of intimacy, at whatever level. Wallahu ta’ala a’lam.

Indeed the domain of this aspect of the relationship is a sensitive one, and no husband should consider that he has carte blanche to force his wife against her will, wal iyadhubillah. In Islam, one needs to recognize that the rights ordained by Allah (swt) upon both the husband and the wife are not sticks with which to impose one’s will over the other. Subhan’Allah, your rights are entrusted unto you from the One (jallathana’u) who will reckon with your affair once the record of your life is shut, not demanded by you as if you are worthy of them due to some laudable quality inherent within you. So let us have some temperance before our Lord (swt) who decreed that each is there in this regard for the other, but not without consideration for the other. Where is his compassion for she who fulfills his need? Where is his gentility to she who may be a means for him one day being considered amongst the best of us, for being of those who were the best to their wives? Ya’ani, his satisfaction is not just some physical desire to be ploughed as he so wishes, but even in this intimate encounter must he aspire to reach the beholden example of our Beloved Prophet (saw). Else of what benefit is this to him? None.

I cite you from the simplest of examples, so you can see the gulf between what many husbands are and what they should be aspiring to become. We learnt on the authority of the Masters (raa), from those who transmitted a portion of the Sacred Knowledge to us, that it is from the Sunnah of our Beloved Nabi (saw) that the wife has a right to be held in the arms of her husband under the same sheet in the same bed (wallahu ‘alam), and that it is an injustice to her if he fails her in this, such is the place of your wife in Islam. How far is this from what many wives feel today, and yet so deserving are they based upon the Prophetic example. Subhan’Allah. May Allah (swt) forgive me if I related this wrongly. I am referring to the excellence of a husband towards his wife, as opposed to being merely ordinary. It is my belief that this is an aspect of Islam that us Brothers need to become re-acquainted as a priority, for the sensitivity of our Beloved Messenger (saw) towards his (saw) wives (raa) is beyond the articulation of my inadequate capabilities, but once one begins to learn about this aspect of the Prophetic example one cannot but be overtaken by an awe which is overwhelming. It truly makes you realise what an honour and privelege it is for a Brother to be by the side of a Muslim woman, and how much *we*, as Muslim men have the opportunity to give our beloved Sisters, in order that Allah (swt) might gain the favour of our Creator (awj). The sweetness and beauty of the Islamic teaching in this regard is of a dimension unparalleled, and if we are unaware of it, our marriages are lacking the taste of something so special that if it were present, problems such as the above would likely not occur, wallahu a’lam. The Brother above has, in his wife, one posible source for paradise, so he needs to not be unaccomodating towards her if he is to avail himself of the opportunity that Allah ta’ala has granted him, in this ni’ma [gift] of such a Muslim woman who is willing to accept pain for his sake, putting aside her own hurt for the sake of his satisfaction. That realization should bring tears to his eyes and soften his heart towards her suffering, if he but pondered over it. Akramak'Allah dear Sister.

The menopause can be from the most traumatic of times in a woman’s life and more than ever does she need him to be understanding, merciful, patient, gentle and such that she can soon look back, having come through it and let him know how wonderful he was.

If you seek an authoritative answer, might I impose upon you to email me your above post, and I will endeavour to solicit for you an answer to lift the heart of our beloved Sister by providing for her some outlet to this.

I am sorry for not being able to lighten her load, bi’ithnillah ta’ala.

Abu Khaled

Re: A sister who need advice
03/03/01 at 08:26:29

I am glad you are back Abu Khalid.

Savannah- The woman may have cysts/tumors on her ovaries and or uterus- causing back pain.

Also a kidney infection can cause severe back pain.

Has she had a doctor check out this possibility?
Re: A sister who need advice
03/03/01 at 08:34:29

I dont know if she has been checked for cysts etc. I know she did go to the doctor. I will ask her about it. Thanks for the suggestion :-)
Re: A sister who need advice
03/04/01 at 11:13:40 AM
Dear Sister Savannah

Assalamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Baraktuhu

I don't know if this information will help your friend, but here goes...

I am 28 years old and I have severe endometriosis. At times I have bad back pain. What I read from your post about your friend going through menopause, I would sincerely suggest that you ask her to go see a doctor and have him check for the same problem I have. If the severe back pain is a *symptom* of her menopause, these are common symptoms of what I have. I don't know what to tell you about her husband (as I am unmarried). Since I am new to Islam, if appropriate, she might suggest to her husband that he go to the doctor with her so that he can *hear* about her pain and maybe he will be a little bit more sympathetic.
I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help. If you'd like you can e-mail me for more info.
Your friend is in my du'as!

Re: A sister who need advice
03/04/01 at 8:10:35 PM
Sister Savannah

Assalamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu

After reading my last post, it didn't make sense, so let me clarify :)

Is this Sister's back pain caused by the menopause, or was it a pre-existing condition? If so, endometriosis (what I have), very often goes by undiagnosed when a woman is going through menopause. It can cause very bad back pain, and, from what I have heard, it causes severe pain during (and after) intercourse. There are also many other symptoms, but not knowing this Sister and her situation I don't know what other advice I can give you.
I pray that her husband has compassion for her and her pain.


Re: A sister who need advice
03/06/01 at 02:35:37
give us an update on the sister insha'allah if she was able to go to the drs and get examined insha'allah..


Eid Mubaaarrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikkkkkk!!!! :)
Re: A sister who need advice
03/06/01 at 08:18:19

I will update you as soon as i hear from the sister. I have suggested some of the things you all have suggested, but she has not replied yet. I am getting worried about her myself. When she gets back to me i will let you know. Thank you for all the advice :-)
Re: A sister who need advice
03/06/01 at 22:22:04
good ness me, what I wouldn't give to be married to a man to
whom sex is not (literally) painful "submission" but a joy, to a man
who understood that it was an act to bring us closer together not to
drive us apart, and to have a knowledgeable society that supported these
same islamic beleifs.
Re: A sister who need advice
03/25/01 at 06:24:54

this si concerning tampons- i posted this earlier

this is a section relating to what sister Serena posted

Rayon (for absorbency), and dioxin (a chemical used in bleaching the
The tampon industry is convinced that we, as women, need bleached
white products in order to view the product as pure and clean. The
here is that the dioxin produced in this bleaching process can lead
to very harmful problems for a woman. Dioxin is potentially
(cancer-associated) and is toxic to the immune and reproductive

[color=Red] It has also been linked to endometriosis [/color]

and lower sperm counts for
for both, it breaks down the immune system.

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